


The Robot Dick Olympics

by bopeep, Queerily_kai



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU - Bucky has a Metal Dick, Fluff and Crack, For Science!, For Your Consideration, Gen, I blame CAPRBB slack chat, M/M, Robot Kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 16:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10167476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bopeep/pseuds/bopeep, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queerily_kai/pseuds/Queerily_kai
Summary: When Tony discovers just how much of the Winter Soldier can attract magnets, he can't help but make his own. For science.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You can fully blame the fast and furious minds in the RBB Slack who were daydreaming about the Bucky's Metal Dick emoji that is exactly what you think it is. What can it do? How does it work? I wrote the first 2k, if anyone wants to jump on the next chapter, call dibs. Game on :)
> 
> Credit for idea-storming began with Kai, quorra, hermionesmydawg, eyesofshinigami, and relenafanel!

Tony dropped Bucky’s personal file in the middle of the table with a dramatic flourish. Natasha didn’t have to look up from her phone to know exactly which detail Stark had called this _emergency family meeting_ to discuss. 

“He has a metal dick,” she said levelly. “ _Surprise_.” Bucky glanced at the photo on top of the manila folder and shrugged, nodding. The quality was poor but the subject was easily defined; the geometric metal plating and reflective sheen were unmistakable. Steve began to color: first a healthy human pink and then a Sailor Take Warning shade of red rage-embarrassment that was wholly unnecessary for the revelation of something with which he was already intimately familiar.  
  
“That’s an invasion of privacy, Tony, t-that--- what Bucky’s--- there’s nothing---” Steve fully recognized he was sputtering wildly while trying to remain cool but the train had fully derailed. “It is _highly_ unprofessional--- I don't--- _what Bucky does or does not do with his mechanisms is none---_ ”  
  
“You gonna demand a warrant, babe?” Bucky asked, his eyes nearly smiling but almost certainly telling Steve to stop before he did something he was going to regret. Steve put his hands flat on the table to keep from balling them into fists. He was by no means ashamed of anything or anywhere that piece of fine machinery had been, and Bucky knew this, but to discuss it with the team he was supposed to lead managed to knock Steve several pegs into the high anxiety range. Bucky sighed and looked at Stark, waiting in standoff for the first strike. Clint, however, squinting at the photo on the table, broke the silence.  
  
“I have questions,” he said slowly. Tony folded his arms and shrugged his shoulders in a sort of agreement.  
  
“Okay,” Bucky acknowledged without offering but Clint spilled over, no longer interested in arranging his bag of Skittles by color on the table in front of him.  
  
“Who controls it? Do you control it? Or is it remote, like can it be hacked---”  
  
“Anything can be hacked,” Natasha said under her breath. Bucky smirked at her and said nothing. Clint continued spiraling.  
  
“What can it do? Does it have features? Do you call them apps? Is it always engaged? Is it cold? Can it bend or---”  
  
“Clint---” Tony tried to rein the conversation and failed.  
  
“Do you feel what it feels? How is it energized? Do you have to charge it up?”  
  
“Honestly, Barton---”  
  
“ _I’m curious!_ ” He exclaimed, a color of desperation in his voice that bordered on juvenile. “I’m so fucking curious! If you don’t tell me, I’ll find out,” he asserted. “I know spies.”  
  
“I have nothing to say about it,” Natasha took several Skittles from his arrangement with no heed to the color arrangement and Clint huffed. “And there is _plenty_ to say.” She raised her eyebrows and Clint slammed his hands on the table.  
  
“How could you have kept this from us?!” He exclaimed. Bucky sipped his coffee, dripping haplessly onto his Wonder Woman workout shirt.  
  
“By not mentioning it, because that’s a fuckin'  _specific_ _thing_ to mention.”  
  
“Not _you_ ,” Clint said pointedly, shifting his gaze to Steve, who had pulled his t-shirt up over his head long ago and was still visibly rage-blushing.  
  
“I can tell you’re looking at me,” he said. “And for everyone’s benefit I’m not going to acknowledge that or hit anything.”  
  
“You’ve probably hit it quite enough already,” Tony said coyly as he went for the coffee maker.  
  
“You said we were having a _family meeting_ , Tony,” Steve hissed from beneath the fabric shield, exasperated. Tony poured himself a mug and leaned casually by the sink, reveling in this stir he’d caused.  
  
“As promised. Here we are, having an important family conversation!”  
  
“Just like they have on Maury,” Clint marveled. Tony considered it.  
  
“If there is a Maury episode about cyborg tackle, then yes.”  
  
“What are we talking about?” Bruce came into the room having just woken up, or appearing so.  
  
“Barnes has _two_ metal appendages,” Clint exclaimed, holding up two fingers with vehemence, band-aids on each. Bruce nodded.  
  
“I know.” Clint all but shrieked.  
  
“ _You_ knew?”  
  
“I mean, not biblically, but yes.”  
  
“Incredible,” Clint grumbled.  
  
“I’ve read and compiled all the team’s files, and also adhere to a strict medical code of confidence,” Bruce replied, “unlike Tony. I assume it was Tony,” he added, looking at Natasha. Natasha nodded. “Right. Unlike Tony.”  
  
“The question none of you are asking, not even Barton who seems to have the _most_ questions, is what I _did_ with that information,” Tony said. Everyone turned to face him, including Steve who had turtled out of his shirt to look at him in abject horror.  
  
“What do you mean, _did_ with that information, Stark _?_ ” he demanded. Tony grinned, the glow of the reactor beneath his t-shirt seemingly pulsing an underscore to his glee.  
  
“I took some initiative.”  
  
“You made your own robot dick,” Natasha predicted, exhausted. “Let me guess: a bigger one.” Tony felt his joy instantly deflated.  
  
“I improved upon the model, as is my wont as an innovative scientist, Natasha, yes, _of course_ it’s bigger.”  
  
“No offense, Stark, but experience does come into play, as you may have _scientifically inferred_ ,” Bucky rolled his eyes, shoving his hands in his hoodie pocket and leaning his chair back in an alpha-display of manspread. “Bigger’s not always better.” Steve was in the process of sliding the entire file folder off the table, fully intending to keep that picture in the safest possible corner of his personal wallet where he would take it to the literal grave in three hundred years or whenever the serum finally granted he and Bucky the sweet release of death from this horrible conversation which already felt like it had gone on for decades. There was no unknowing this information, Steve knew, and Tony would never, ever let it out of his sight.  
  
“The handling is fully customizeable, Threepio,” Tony said without breaking eye contact. “It handles like a dream.”  
  
“Have you been handling it a lot?” Natasha asked with no affect whatsoever in her voice, a digital meow chirping from her phone game. Bruce choked on a laugh.  
  
“As a matter of course, _for science_ , obviously, yes, I have handled it a lot,” Tony replied. "Why is no one asking to see it?"  
  
“Was your human dick the control?” Bruce asked. Tony threw him a withering glance. “You need a control, Tony.” Stark put his mug down.  
  
“The point is---”  
  
“Yes, what _is_ the point, Tony?” Steve growled. Bucky patted his hands sympathetically, his lips curling at the corners.  
  
“He wants to test it, I’d wager,” Natasha sighed. “Against Barnes. Probably has an Excel chart already typed up to compare ‘values.’” There was quiet in the room again as all eyes turned to Natasha, who continued to participate while less than half-engaged. Tony blinked.  
  
“As it happens---”  
  
“ _No_ ,” Steve cut him off at the pass. “Absolutely not. He’s not some kind of---”  
  
“I’m in,” Bucky agreed, standing up and adjusting his sweatpants. “Where do you want to do this?”  
  
“ _Bucky_!” Steve wheeled on him, the force of his turn nearly twisting his chair apart. Bucky couldn’t help but love how quickly Steve was ready to physically fight this problem away.  
  
“What?”  
  
“It’s demeaning!”  
  
“Not when I win, it won’t be.” Bucky grinned and patted his crotch like a good dog. Steve swallowed hard and looked at the ceiling to God or FRIDAY or whatever divine being was watching him like an episode of The Office.   
  
“Robot Dick Olympics!” Clint exclaimed, nearly knocking his remaining candies on the floor as he realized all his questions would be answered, and viscerally so. “We’re doing this!” Steve folded his arms tightly, taking on the unflappable Big Shot Hero In Charge daddy voice.  
  
“No way. No 'we.' Nobody’s testing---”  
  
“Yes 'we.' And I’m the control group,” Clint insisted. “Just like he said. There has to be one. I’m the only one here with no science blood. It has to be me,” he said with a certain level of pride. Bruce seemed to be nodding in agreement.  
  
“I suppose we’re lucky Thor’s not here to join in the masculine fragility parade,” Natasha sighed deeply, her eyes closed and imagining herself somewhere else, somewhere reasonable and peaceful with an open bar.  
  
“What are the events?” Bucky asked. Tony's face was lit from the inside like a horrible Halloween decoration, clearly having thought all of this through without dreaming it could come true.   
  
“Nothing crazy. Strength, speed, agility, endurance---”  
  
“ _I am not fucking an Iron Man suit!_ ” Steve blurted out with such ferocity that the conversation skidded to a halt. Bucky frowned, realizing Steve thought he would have to be part of the contest, the field on which the race would be run, so to speak. Bucky patted him sweetly on the cheek.  
  
“Nobody asked you to, Stevie. You have the final word on this game, as far as I'm concerned," he said kindly.  
  
“I’m just--- this is invasive.” Steve sighed heavily, frustrated that no one seemed to be drawing a hard line where one obviously belonged. “Isn’t this fucked up? Why does no one else think this is fucked up?”  
  
“It’s not like they don’t already know what we’re up to in there,” Bucky said calmly, gesturing over his shoulder to Steve’s bedroom. “Stark’s probably shoots lasers anyway, don’t you want to see that?”  
  
“No, I don't,” Steve said, near to pouting. “And I don’t want them to see yours.”  
  
“I’ve seen it,” Natasha raised her hand without looking up from her phone. Bruce and Tony both raised their hands. Clint whined.  
  
“Just tell me if it has a little red star,” he pleaded.  
  
“It does,” Bucky winked. Clint grinned.  
  
“ _Awesome._ ”  
  
“I know it seems like a personal affront, Rogers, but this is not about you," Tony said, understanding now that the only thing between him and a tiny gold metal for his robo-dong was Steven Grant Rogers with the keys to the chastity belt. "This is about getting in on the ground floor of the next generation of smart pleasure toys, which I think we can all agree would be both lucrative and fun, neither of which are operative adjectives in my other current projects, i.e. this very expensive crime fighting team that loves to create expensive public displays of force. Just want to see if it can carry a basket of eggs across the room, here. For science. That okay, Cap? Nobody's schtupping anybody. Back in one beautiful cyborg piece, hand to God,” Tony promised, making a Boy Scout salute. Bucky looked at him expectantly and Steve groused.  
  
“Fine. For science,” he relented. “But no penetration stuff and no photos.”  
  
“Deal. And nobody tells Pepper.”  
  
“No deal, too late,” Natasha said, the 8-bit music of her cat game underscoring her vague attention.  
  
“Glad you have volunteered as judge, Romanoff,” Tony said through tight teeth as he felt his phone already buzzing in his pocket. “Cold War, we square up tomorrow at 0900. Banner will devise some non-partisan obstacle courses. Barton,” Tony said finally with some resigned affection, “carb load.”  
  
“Dibs on all four boxes of Easy Mac!” Clint shot up from the table towards the kitchen.  
  
“ _Obstacle course?_ ” Steve asked dubiously. “What the hell does that mean?”  
  
“I dunno. Can Battle Bot’s cock peel an orange?” Tony challenged with a grin. Natasha wasn’t sure she could sigh any more deeply. She took solace in the gifs of Thelma & Louise that Sharon had been sending in response to the Robot Dick Olympics updates Nat was texting her and T’Challa in the Salt Squad Group Chat. The animation of the heroines’ car careening over the edge of a cliff had the caption ‘ _you & me one of these days._’ T'Challa just kept spamming the eggplant emoji and the crying cat face.  
  
“You didn’t ask, but mine definitely cannot do that,” Clint said with some misplaced sadness in his voice as he poured a box of dinosaur-shaped noodles into a pot of water. “But I’ll try anything twice.”


	2. Special Features

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint gets some answers (this chapter by @queerily_kai!)

“So, what does that button do?” Clint asked, leaning in to closely examine Bucky’s Metal Dick (™). 

Bucky just grinned, glancing up at Steve. Steve was still trying to hide in the corner, blushing worse than Bucky had ever seen.  
“That's Steve’s favorite.” Bucky told him. “It took him a while to figure out how to press it right, but it makes lube shoot out from the tip. A little surprise gift they gave me.”

“They?” Clint asked.

“Hydra, obviously. My arm wasn’t the only thing I lost in the fall. My dick snapped off too.” Bucky explained. “I’m sure you know the story, I’m hanging from the train, eyes locked with Steve as he tries to reach out to me. I fell to my death with a raging hard on. It froze like that, and then while they are dragging me, clink. No more dick.”

Clint froze up and just stared. He took a sharp breath and covered his mouth with his hand.  
“I really, really want to laugh at that right now but I’m afraid you will punch me if I do.” Clint said.

Bucky laughed out loud and Clint smiled awkwardly, like he still wasn’t convinced that a metal arm wouldn't be aiming at his face shortly. 

“Laugh all you want man,” Bucky told him. “I got a boner while I thought I was falling to my death. I couldn’t make that up.” 

Clint just looked back at Bucky’s Metal Dick(™), and at the button again.  
“So there’s some kind of trick to it?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Bucky explained casually, “you have to touch it just right to get the lube to release.”

Steve, still over in the corner dying of embarrassment, had slid down the wall and was sitting on the floor with his legs bent in front of him, trying to hide behind his knees. Bucky gave him his I can’t wait to fuck you smile and winked. Steve may have looked like he was in hell, but Bucky knew that he was secretly enjoying it, and would be sure to let Bucky know just how much later with a few rounds of thank-you sex, and when it was from Steve, was usually better than make up sex. 

“I guess that makes sense, so you can’t press the button by accident. It would be super annoying if it like, pressed and squirted lube every time you walked. And how much lube does it have? Do you have to refill it? Your dick doesn’t like, make it, does it?” Clint asked. 

“Yeah, you have to really want it,” Bucky replied. “The button is actually like a joystick, you have to play with it in more than one direction to complete the pattern and unlock it.”

“Pattern? Like a Nintendo cheat? Up up down down, left right…” Clint asked. 

“Yeah,” Bucky answered, grabbing his metal dick and touching his thumb to the button. “It's actually up up down down left right left push push left right left up up down down press and hold.” He rubbed his thumb against the button demonstrating as he spoke. A stream of lube flowed out from the tip as he held the button, spreading over the head and down the shaft of Bucky’s Metal Dick (™). Steve had dropped his hands and was now openly staring at Bucky. 

Even Natasha was paying attention, looking at Bucky’s Metal Dick(™) 5% more than she was looking at her phone.

Tony had also slipped away from the conversation, and was in the opposite corner examining his own red and gold robot dick. He was having second thoughts about some of the features he had installed, like the white LED’s at the tip. Sure, they looked cool, but they really didn’t compare to a self lubricating feature. It was the best he had, though. 

“Hey guys, check this out!” Tony called out, gesturing toward his robot dick as he walked back toward Clint and Bucky. “It lights up!” He exclaimed. “The more you touch it, the more lights light up!” he ran his hand up and down the shaft a couple times, triggering 3 more tiny white lights to turn on.

Clint and Bucky were not impressed.  
“Um, I guess that's cool,” Bucky muttered. 

“Is it for targeting help?” Clint asked “Like a landing strip?”

Natasha was back to devoting 95% of her attention to her phone. 

“A landing strip for Pepper,” Tony replied, wriggling his eyebrows. “Pepper can never know about that.”

“Too late,” Natasha answered without looking up, thumbs flying across her phone's keyboard. 

“Oh, I didn’t show you the laser gun!” He took his metal dick in his metal hand and ran a finger along the underside of the shaft, hooking one of the plates from his finger onto a similar plate in his dick and pulled down. A trap door opened from the top, popping up on hinges to reveal what looked like a laser pointer hovering above his dick. “This isn’t a toy, that laser could take someone's eye out,” he explained.

Tony held up an arm, and an almost identical laser pointer popped up out of his wrist. “This could take out someone's eye, too. It almost did once,” he offered, still trying to one up Bucky’s Metal Dick(™). 

“Is that the real story behind the eye patch Rhodey was wearing for a while?” Clint asked. Tony just nodded looking guilty.

“Pepper says she needs you at home immediately. And you are not allowed to hang out with Bucky anymore,” Natasha told Tony, glancing up from her phone.

Tony looked up with a shrug and headed for the door.  
“I guess we will have to finish this contest later, Nat, let us know when you are free to judge,” Tony replied. “I’m about to be too busy getting laid tonight.”

“I will never be free for this,” Natasha replied. “I guess that means nobody wins. Awful. And you are definitely not getting laid tonight.”

Tony frowned slightly as he left. 

“You, though,” Natasha continued, looking at Bucky, “I’m pretty sure Steve's dick has been about to explode ever since you all started this stupid shit. Get him upstairs before he actually dies of blue balls. I don’t think embarrassment is what’s causing that face anymore.”

Steve looked up, eyes wide, speechless. Bucky just grinned and reached out to grab Steve's hand and pull him to his feet. Clint and Natasha looked at Steve's crotch with admiration, impressed by the size of the bulge straining in his pants and the wet spot in his khakis as Bucky dragged him off toward their bed. 

“So, Nat…” Clint said as soon as they were alone in the room. 

“No,” Nat replied, and turned to walk out of the room, typing on her phone the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's got the next chapter? ;) call dibs and go nuts!


End file.
